so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she told me i tasted like america
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
