HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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