I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
