he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
