Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
