The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
