o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
