I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
