I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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