u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
