4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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