I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
