Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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