im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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