Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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