I want to walk on stilts...naked
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize