So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
