Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
