Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's shark week go big or go home
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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