if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Randomize
