Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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