My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
