I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
