I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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