Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
they need to just BURY HIM!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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