at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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