im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
