Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
