dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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