we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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