I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Vodka?
Forever.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
