Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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