i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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