I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
