Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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