Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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