Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
