how can u be prego again
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
