I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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