Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
