my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
