Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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