how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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