My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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