I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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