my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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