you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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