I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
