sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
