he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
