So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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