stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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