I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
my liver is dry heaving
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
