the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
