my phone needs a breathalizer
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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