I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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