i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
