Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
